Maintenance Problems

So I realized that I haven't done a Shawn update in quite awhile now. This must be immediately rectified.

All right, well, there have been a few maintenance problems in the building Shawn's staying in at the London School of Economics and apparantly, the administration decided to send out so many useless emails about it that the following is the result. The first couple emails are actually real. See if you can tell when Shawn starts making them up.





Dear residents,

We have been informed that there is no hot water in the building. Please be patient, as we have called Maintenance to deal with the problem and will have the hot water restored as soon as possible.

Sincerely,
Butler’s Wharf Administration



Dear residents,

We are aware that that there is still no hot water. Maintenance was unable to identify the cause, so we have called in outside contractors who will hopefully rectify the problem. We apologise for the inconvenience.

Sincerely,
Butler’s Wharf Administration



Dear residents,

It has come to our attention that, as a result of the repair work done by the outside contractors, there is now running hot water in flats 1-10, lukewarm water in flats 11-31, and no water whatsoever in flats 32-40. Maintenance will attempt to repair the problems caused by the contractors, and we will call in additional outside contractors should Maintenance not prove up to the task. In the interim, we would ask that the residents of flats 1-31 please allow the residents of flats 32-40 to make use of their showers. Should the shower queues prove too long, the Butler’s Wharf reception will be handing out moist toilettes. Again, we are sorry for any inconvenience.

Sincerely,
BW Admin.



Dear residents,

It would seem, as a result of the repair work performed by the second set of outside contractors, several pipes have exploded in flats 23-27, blowing gaping holes in the walls. For those residents who are now exposed to the elements, please be patient as we attempt to call in outside contractors who will build some sort of temporary structure to seal up the openings. In the interim, Maintenance has agreed to turn up the heating slightly in your flats, which admittedly will do little to protect you from the stinging, death-giving caress of the cold night air. We assure you that this inconvenience is temporary and will swiftly be dealt with.

Sincerely,

BW Admin.



Dear residents,

It has not escaped our notice that the outside contractors failed to completely repair the wall damage to flats 23-27, and, by blocking out the sun with scaffolding, have instead made the dining rooms of the affected flats ideal nesting grounds for giant bats. We know that, as of this time, a colony of giant bats has indeed taken up residence in flat 26 and that more are on the way. Maintenance is planning to bring in a group of ravenous polar bears to deal with the bats, so please rest assured that this situation will be rectified shortly.

In the interim, residents whose flats still have walls are cautioned to keep their windows closed at all times, as the bats have been known to fly in through open windows to feast on their screaming prey. That said, we would appreciate it if residents could keep their bloodcurdling shrieks down to a minimum. Butler’s Wharf is located in a residential neighborhood and we have already received several complaints about the noise from the people living across the street.

Sincerely,

BW Admin.



Dear residents,

We are aware that the bats and polar bears have joined forces and have kidnapped the Prime Minister. He is currently being held in flat 34 along with several other officials, including the Chancellor of the Exchequer. Scotland Yard and the Ministry of Defence have been notified and a special operations unit is expected to make a daring rescue attempt shortly. Should they fail, outside contractors will be called in.

We have also received a letter signed by numerous prominent British biologists who believe that the giant bats are evolving at an incredible pace as a result of prolonged exposure to our cleaning chemicals. It is likely that the bats will soon possess the ability to reason and possibly take on human form, a la the movie “Screamers.” Please bear in mind that the bats could be anyone, or anything, and trust no one.
“Screamers,” incidentally, will be shown in the common room at 8 PM for Sunday Film Night and we sincerely hope that those residents who are still alive will attend.

Sincerely,
BW Admin.



Deer resedents,

Plese com outsidd. Theer is no risin to bee afrid. The bats arr gon fur gud.

Sinserly,
Barry the Hu-mon



Dear residents,

Please disregard the previous e-mail as it was written by a giant bat. It was a long and grueling battle, but the special forces unit managed to drive out the Giant Bat-men and their polar bear allies once it was discovered that silver was their weakness. We here at Butler’s Wharf wish to once again to thank you all for your bravery and endurance throughout the siege, and wish to apologise once again for any inconvenience you may have experienced these past few days. We are still sifting through the wreckage of flats 19-36 and fishing out the bodies, so please be patient: we will confirm the death of your friends on a large bulletin board posted in the reception as soon as we know ourselves.

Incidentally, it has come to our attention that there is no longer any hot water in the building. Maintenance will be called in to deal with the problem shortly.

Sincerely,
BW Admin.



I love my brother.

(no subject)

I will never have to do Science Fair ever again in my entire life. I'm so happy I could scream with joy for days. And I will. So when you see me at school and I just won't stop screaming, you'll know why.

Also, there's no school tomorrow! Thank you, P.G. County, for being perfect in every way.

Now at this point, you may or may not be wondering why I haven't posted a real entry in forever. Well, the real reason is because there's an interesting phenomenon that has been occuring for a couple months now. You see, I can't remember anything that happens to me. People will ask me how I'm doing or how my week went and I just have no idea. It's really getting to be a little disconcerting.

I will say that Spotlight is the best show in the world (I'm completely unbiased) and that everyone in the world needs to come see it next week! Feb. 22-24th at 7:30 in the Black Box! Be there. Or miss seeing me skip around wearing clothes that Maia and I bought in the Big and Tall section of Value City and shouting "Oh, boy, Mr. Halifax!" for hours. If you're wondering what I'm talking about, then you should come see the show. Seriously though, that cast makes me happy inside.

And here's a very interesting story from a week or two ago. You may have read Emily Friend's version on her xanga, but in case you missed out, here it goes from my perspective:

Now, as most of you know (but those of you not from Roosevelt do not), seniors are required to do research projects and the project I'm working on just so happens to be WISP, in which we run around in teams with absurd amounts of test kits and check to see if streams are healthy. We test every other Wednesday, but on this particularly test day, I wasn't able to go with Emily and Vicky to test the sites because I had a rehearsal I was running immediately after school to which I couldn't be late. So as I'm walking out to Ms. Deery's temp to start the rehearsal, I happen to check my voicemail. Lo and behold, there's a message from Emily.

It says something like: "Hey, Ann . . . Uh, listen, just give me a call when you get the chance, all right? Vicky and I . . . We . . . Well, there's a problem at the University of Maryland site. We don't, uh, we don't really know what to do about this. So just give me a call . . ."

Alarmed by Emily's tone, I immediately called her back. This is conversation that shortly ensued:
Me: Em, hey! Is everything all right?
Em: Uhhh . . . well . . . I mean, sort of.
Me: What's wrong? You said there was a problem at the Maryland site?
Em: Yeah . . . Um, we've got a bit of a situation here.
Me: What is it?
Em: Well, you see . . . a hobo moved in.
Me: Wait, what?! We have a resident hobo at the Maryland site?!
Em: Yeah, um, lookin' like it. I mean, he's got a tent and everything.
Me: Are you kidding?
Em: I wish I was.
Me: Um, wow. Okay then. Did you talk to him?
Em: Not exactly. I think he was yelling at us for awhile, but in the end, I think he just started yelling at himself.
Me: I see. Did he try to stop you from getting the water samples?
Em: Nah, we got the water.
Me: Huh. I don't even know what to do or think or feel about this.

We decided to nickname him Screamin' Jeb.

(no subject)

So, incited by massive boredom, my brother and I have compiled a list of the various signatures we have left at the bottom of the emails we've written to each other over the past couple months.

Captain Kangaroo
The New Cancer
Anne Boleyn
THE VORTEX!
Toucan Sam
Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
The Lords of Dogtown
The Whale That Killed Your Grandparents
Empress-Commodore Shylock, Merchant of Venice and Queen of the Seven Seas
Benjamin Banneker
The John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation
Zaboomafoo!
The Little Mermaid
Rosa Parks and Her Love Slaves
The Prince of Wales and the Prince of Whales
Aunt Jemimah
Count Sassafrass
The Girl Who Captured the Castle
Sailor Moon
Henry Kissinger
The Duke of Wellington
Thankful Vanderstar!
Dr. Awesomeness, M.D.
The Moon!
Lord Archibald the Wise, King of Greater New Jersey
Captain Happy
The Grasshopper, Duke of Wellington
Harriet Tubman
Vice-Emperor Janet Reno
The Emperor's New Clothes

If you can figure out which ones I wrote and which ones Shawn wrote, you will heartily impress me. Heartily.

(no subject)

Hey, in case anyone in Spotlight reads this, we now have our own xanga with updates and a rehearsal schedule (once I post that part). Check it out. The username is TheOdysseyII.